Marlboro Lights: A Love Story

I “quit” smoking a while ago. God. I must admit, I miss it. I miss it like one would miss a limb that was amputated. I loved/love smoking. The escape of it all. The fullness of the first inhale. I miss it every day. Like most addictions, smoking is very social. I miss the social camaraderie of fellow smokers. The little breaks smokers get throughout the day that a non smoker is missing. For five minutes I am free from all I have to do.
I remember when someone or something pissed me off the first thing I would do was rustle through my over sized purse for a cigarette. So many times when I smoked by myself I would just be so lost in thought. Smoking could be a very peaceful time. The regulated inhale of warm fuzzy smoke, the long and slow exhale. Smoking was very peaceful. Very therapeutic.
I struggle most days with smoking. Not so much when I’m at home but its when I’m out and about living life that I miss my old companion. Armed with my little white and gold box of Marlboro lights I felt a little less unprepared for what perils may be in store for me in life. I felt more equipped, like I could handle anything. They were always there to distract me in awkward moments.
Of course there are things I don’t miss. I didn’t like that my hair and clothes were always cigarette scented. Or that my mouth tasted like a rotten ass ashtray most of the time. It was an expensive habit and the feeling of not having something you desperately think you need is a very uncomfortable feeling when your money runs out. I always hated the mental count I always had at all times of how many cigarettes I had on me and when I would need to make a stop to get more. The dependence killed me. That and cancer and my boyfriend’s constant harassment. “You stink like cigarettes! That’s sooo unattractive!”
The main reason I stopped smoking regularly was because I didn’t want the wrinkles. I am obsessed with preserving my youth and the sight of a leather faced smoker would stir such terror in my heart. So for the vainest reason I quit smoking- not because it could shorten my life or the lives of people around me no. wrinkles.
Yes I wrestle urges daily, yes I consider buying a pack every time I pass a Walgreen’s, every time I am making a purchase at a corner store or gas station. There behind their streaked glass cases they wait for me. I allow myself to smoke when I’m drinking. Lets just hope this rule doesn’t turn me into an alcoholic.

much love,
Judas