The memory of hours of pain and discomfort are always lost in the excitement when I am purchasing tickets to see live music. As I was slowly getting crushed to death by hundreds of stinking men at a Green Day concert the other night, I was thinking of many ways I could avoid these misfortunes in the future.
Don't ever ever ever bring a purse or bag...especially a big one..filled with expensive crushable things and perfume bottles that threaten to leak. All you need is your ID and a twamp and you should be good. Anything you don't want to lose, swallow for safe keeping. Saddle bags, purses, backpacks, just don't do it people. Its hard work trying to hold on to a sack of valuables in a tornado of grabby hands , pushing and pulling. Its also endlessly annoying for people around you who are rubbed raw by your bouncing leather saddlebag grinding the skin off of their bones. Just leave that shit in the car please. You don't need most of those things and they will just end up crushed on the ground under frantic feet.
I wish I could design the perfect shoe for crowded concert goers. Something fashionable, with height, but that was all about business. It would have to be high so you could see over the shoulders of the hundreds of people taller than you. Comfortable since you will be standing for hours and hours, and functional, so something with a steal toe and perhaps some sort of deadly spike or tazing mechanism.
Don't ever bring a sweater or jacket because you will be overheating in the womb of sweat and breath of all of the nasty drunk people around you. It will end up around your waist and eventually being tangled around someones appendages and ultimately dragging you down.
Don't wear your favorite new shoes because people will be dancing on them all night. Don't wear your favorite clothes or jewelry and don't get mad when they get stretched out or destroyed ..you know better than to wear your brand new clothes . wear comfortable, breathable every day clothes that are machine washable
Another valuable tool to have would be a small key chain light. this will bring light to the murky floor beneath you. With this light you will be able to check to see where your cell phone fell before it gets crushed or liquefies in the toxic cesspool of beer , sweat , blood and dead babies that is now the floor, yo may also get lucky and find money or valuables that other people may have dropped. With this beacon you can repeatedly check to assure yourself that your feet are still attached to your legs and that your shoes aren't filling up with blood.
Most importantly bring your patience. Don't be one of those people who holds a grudge against the guy who tries to push past the crowd with two full beers spilling all over the place, don't scowl and cuss at people just for trying to use you to break their fall, they cant hear you and they really don't care anyways . This whole experience will be an extreme invasion of your personal space ...what did you expect ? Learn to laugh at the stupid drunk guys trying to flex on each other, and at girls who are pouring beer into the crowd and messing up your wig. Accept an apology when someone burns you with a cigarette in the back of your arm. Try your best to enjoy the music and enjoy other people enjoying themselves. After the night is through, robbed of your valuables, missing one shoe, covered in other peoples sweat, limp home, and fall asleep smiling.
much love,
Judas
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